Feeling the love...

Ever since we found out our last and final transfer worked I've felt so nervous and anxious. I keep telling myself everything is fine, our prayers are finally answered, everything is great, but for some reason I've been having trouble letting go of the nervous and anxious feelings. So when my sister, Mom and sister-in-law wanted to plan a shower for me I just wasn't sure if I would be able to really celebrate while I'm feeling this way. I think there are some real deep scares from all that we have been thru and as much as I can put that all in the past there is a part of me that won't relax until I'm holding Jake in my arms. But then my friend Stacey had a great point (as she often does) that now that I'm going to be a Mom, I will worry about my baby for the rest of my life. She said she would hate to see me miss out on having a shower and celebrating this special time. So after much thought and prayer, that I wont be an emotional mess the entire time, I agreed. It will be fun to celebrate this special time and get everything set up before the little guy arrives. As it turns out I had 2 showers. My work friends threw me a surprise shower in December, it was supposed to be our holiday party, but instead it was a shower for Jake. I was so touched by all the thought and deail they put into the party. And I surprised myself that I wasn't an emotional mess the entire time. The day before the shower I had one of those days that I was worrying (more than normal) about everything. I had a nightmare that Jake had downs and Katie knew but didn't want to tell us. So I emailed her and asked her a few questions about our recent ultrasound and then told her about my dream. And she made me feel better, as she always does, and told me that the special translucent ultrasound ruled out downs. I, of course, didn't put two and two together. I've tried not to ask alot of questions, I've just been so thankful after every apt that everything has been normal. So my bad for not asking more and making myself have crazy pregnancy dreams. Anyway, my Mom, Christine and Renny threw the most amazing shower ever. There was so much love and thought that went into every detail I will never forget how I felt that day. They did an airplane theme and it was so cute. The guests were greeted and offered an in flight snack and beverage. They had our due date printed on little flags on the straws in the beverages. They ordered Jake this adorable airplane that had a balloon attached to it, so cute. Around Christine's home was beautiful vases of tulips, roses and hydrangia, all my favorites. Then for lunch they made everyone their own personalized box lunch with Portillos chopped salad, sandwiches, chips and my moms lemon bread. All so delicious. I was so touched by all the thoughtful gifts everyone picked out for Jake. Honestly it was so overwhelming and I said to my sister a few days later that I hoped I was showing how thankful I was feeling. I really don't like being the center of attention, so I was just hoping that I wasn't coming accross unthankful. Everyone brought a book for Jake and wrote him a message inside. I waited to read all of the notes until after the shower....we are an emotional family, so it doesn't take much to get me going these days and I didn't want to end up being an emotional mess. It's kind of irronic that the shower was planned the day before my 40th birthday. I always said I would keep trying to have a baby until I turned 40. I told my family that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday I just wanted to focus on Jake and getting ready for his arrival. Having a baby has been my focus and priority for the past 6 years and my dream is finally coming true. I feel blessed and thankful beyond words to be able to celebrate and share this exciting time with all my friends and family. I pray that I continue to feel the love and from this special day for a long time.

Our beautiful baby boy

Whenever a friend or family member would show me a ultrasound picture of their baby I wouldn't think much of it. I would be excited for them of course, but didn't really get the same joy they were feeling. Well now that I'm a mommy to be I just so happen to think the ultrasound pictures of my baby are the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Here is a little poem I found that is just perfect.. Miracle... We treasure this first glimpse of you, The amazing miracle of life is true. So small, yet awesome in what you'll become. Grow strong and healthy our little one, We are here dreaming and waiting, wishing, preparing and anticipating. Each day is a step closer to life anew, Each day a touch closer to holding you...

Getting the nursery ready...

I always knew Marcio was a talented artist, but I honestly didn't realize how talented he really is. I think the above picture says it all. I smile everytime I walk into the nursery. Marcio asked me what my favorite part is and that is impossible to answer. I love turtles, so the Mommy and baby turtle are up there, but the dolphin was the first one he painted, and I was so impressed at how perfect it looked. I can't wait to rock Jake to sleep in his very own ocean!

I'm finally going to be a Mom

Well, it's been so long since I've posted, but my prayers have finally been answered.
We are going to be parents. I'm going to be a Mom. We are having a baby boy. I am happier than I have ever been.
I know I can't put into words the over whelming feel of joy, excitement, gratitude and true blessing that I have been feeling the past months.  Our little miracle is due February 20th and everything has been going really well.  All the tests and ultrasounds have been normal and our surrogate is truly the most thoughtful and giving person I have ever met.
Marcio and I were able to go out for the big 20 week ultrasound, which ironically was scheduled on our anniversary. It was so special to be there and to find out together that we are expecting a son. That is a feeling I will never forget. We left the room and sat in the waiting room and called our Moms and told them the exciting news as they were hanging out together awaiting our call.  We then shared the news with the rest of our family and friends. We spent the rest of the weekend enjoying time with our surrogate Katie, her children and her boyfriend and his family.  Jays parents invited us over for dinner and we had the nicest visit.  We went to church with Jay, Katie and her children and then went to a Game place for some fun.  What a great time we had.
Marcio and I had always had our girl named picked out so when we found out we were having a son we talked for a long while about different names. I've always loved the name Marcio, but Marcio did not want a Jr. it's too confusing. I love the name Jake, I like Jacob too, but I really like Jake and I've always liked the fact that I'm just a Beth. My Mom and Dad liked Beth and wanted me to be just a Beth. I guess that's part of why I want Jake to be just Jake. So we agreed on Jake Marcio Mardones. Jake for the reason I just explained and Marcio after Marcio and his Dad's middle name was Marcio. I think this is a nice way to honor Marcio's Dad. He had such a love for children and I know he is watching over us and is so proud that is son is going to be a Dad. We love and miss you Fernando.

The latest and Greatest News!

I have so much to update since our trip to California in April.  We ended up doing IVF with my eggs and our donor.  We were keeping the focus on our donor, but I ended up responding better, so we ended up transferring 3 really good quality embryos to our surrogate.  We froze 3 of our donor embryos and 2 of mine.  We were very optimistic that this would work. Unfortunately we did not get the news we were so hoping for.  Our 6th BFN.  I was heartbroken and angry.  I cried for 2 days straight and was concerned I wouldn't ever feel my normal happy self again.  By Wednesday I was feeling back to myself.  Still up and down, but I knew there is no sense in sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I talked with Dr. Boostanfar and he felt the embryos must not have been healthy.  Our plan was to move forward with our frozen embryos, we would plan for a day 3 transfer with our donor and if hers don't make it then we would do mine 2 days later.  June 3rd was here before we knew it and only 2 of our donors embryos made it, one looking good and one fair.  After speaking with Dr. B we decided to see if they make it to Day 5 and if not then we would transfer mine.  Well, day 5 is Sunday, the day of my sister's baby shower that I'm hosting.  God, are you really testing my emotional state or what?  Dr. B called at noon and said our donor embryos did not make it, but mine look great.  I had such mixed emotions, because mine have always looked good, but never work and now we went thru all that with our donor for nothing.  I was just praying that God's plan is for us to have our own bio baby and not to have to worry about what to do with left over embryos.  As I was rushing around getting ready for the guests to arrive I wiped the tears out of my eyes...I didn't want anything to distract from my sister's special day.  
Our surrogate called tonight and she has had positive home pregnancy tests since Thursday night.  I feel so thankful.  I keep telling myself one day at a time and today is a very joyful day.  We have our first blood test on Monday. 

Feeling so alone....

I often wonder what are the chances that someone else can relate to exactly what I'm going thru and have experienced the same road bumps as me?  What are the odds that there is someone else out there that was diagnosed with cervical cancer, has RA, tried to conceive a baby thru surrogacy with frozen embryos and is now co-stimulating with a donor to transfer embryos to a surrogate.  I doubt it.  I think of myself as a unique person and that is a good thing and I certainly hope no one else has to or has gone thru all that I have and do on a daily basis.  The RA  is enough by itself.  I wake up everyday with my first thought being...what hurts, what joints are moving, do I need to take my meds now in hopes they will start working so I can start working.  I'm so thankful that I had a cortisone shot in my knee a week ago.. I feel like a new person.  Going to the bathroom is no longer an dreaded challenge.  Healthy people take getting on and off the pot for granted....for someone with RA that is not always easy.
Anyway, I joined an online support group in hopes to find someone to relate with what I'm going thru.  Well, I started by asking if anyone has RA and is going thru IVF...no replies...then I try anyone co-stimulating with an egg donor to transfer embryos to a surrogate...no replies.  Yes, I am one in a million!  That's ok I still visit the site to see if I can relate to some other situations my co-infertile are dealing with.  I can't.  They talk in alot of code...like MENTS which means "might be hard to read"...i read alot of those and didn't understand what was hard to read.  Perhaps I'm just different, I dont' have emotional trouble being around babies...I never have.  I get that everyone's reality is there own and some people have alot of trouble being around babies when they are having fertility problems. As much as I feel alone in this process I've been very open about what we have been are are going thru with my family and close friends.  It means alot to me to be able to share this with them and have them understand what we are going thru.  They have all been wonderful,caring and supportive. My Mom has always been there for me no matter what and she cares so much to learn about this whole IVF process by asking alot of questions to ensure she understands.  My Mom is what every child dreams for in a Mom...caring, loving, helpful, supportive, but not overly intrusive.  I know how much my Mom wants Marcio and I to have a family and I'm equally as excited to have her help, guidance and support as a new mom.  I love that she cares so much to ask the right questions, to learn what we are going thru, and to know to just take one day at a time with me.  My sister has also been my rock.. she is expecting her 1st in Aug and she has said to me on a couple occasions that she knows this timing is bad.  It's not bad timing I just pray things work out for us this year too so our kids will be close and we can be new Moms together.  My sister and I are extremely close and she has always looked up to me for advice and I can't help her now.  I guess even if we already had a child I would not be able to help her with pregnancy questions. 
Well..one week until we leave...I can't wait!!

So Ready for the next round!

Today has been an amazing day. I have such a sense of peace about what we are going thru and about to go thru.  The last few weeks have been a whirl wind of appointments, phone calls, medication orders, etc.  I am co-stimulating with our donor and we will transfer our embryos to our surrogate.  My hope is that I produce at least one healthy embryo to include in the transfer.  We will see.  So far so good with all my test, I have 15 follicles on my one lonely ovary.  That is great!!  Now it just needs to produce some great eggs and I will be one happy camper!
This has been such a long road, I'm so hopeful this will be our time for some good news.  If all works as planned we could have a newborn by December.  I just beam from ear to ear at the thought of being a Mom for Christmas 2011.  My sister is due in Aug so our kids would be close in age and that is so wonderful. 
Marcio and I leave in one week for California!! I'm so excited that we are able to stay with one of my best friends, I look forward to spending some quality time with Chris and the family during this very special time in our lives.